Life Saving Concepts for a Spendthrift Society

Folks seem to have a lot of big ideas about how they would spend their lives if they won some ludicrous amount of money. Many of them will tell you their plans to relocate, get an education, open a business, etc... All in all, it's a lovely little dream. The problem lies here: Just how the fuck do you expect to know exactly what you're going to do when you have all that money? If you were to suddenly come upon a billion dollars. Exactly one billion. Would you say "It's finally time to settle me bones in that quaint little offshore hub"? Or would you shriek like a ninny and absolutely lose your mind because you've found more money than you could ever possibly spend?

Option the second, friends. I go so far as to guarantee this in a rich Louisiana accent.

What I bring forth is a list I've had in the back of my head for a number of years. It's simply things I would do if I suddenly had enough money to comfortably lose my mind. If you were going to become this rich, why bother planning for it? Plan the little things to keep yourself from growing stale and dull. You must stay entertained, and eventually, buying everything on earth will lose its appeal. A Tauntaun sleeping bag, which was once a conquest, is now but a trifle in which your pet Zebra (pronounced with a short "e" sound) can shit.

1. Make yourself feel important and recognized.

Buy 600 Robosapiens. Sure, they're absurdly expensive, but you can afford the god damned moon. Buy them. Make sure your home has a decent length front hall for entering. I'm talking like 100 feet or something. Be certain there is a clear path for you to walk through when you enter, and arrange the Robosapiens in 6 rows, three on either side of your path, spaced a foot apart in perfect little columns. Install a motion activated sensor into the room so that the moment you enter, the lights strike on, the robots salute in tandem, and The Imperial March from Star Wars blares forth each and every time you enter your home. This is a handy reminder to the rich that they are in a Godly state of financial comfort and should be revered as such. Music can be changed according to taste of course, as can robot behaviour, but I'm a sucker for the classics.

2. Set yourself apart from other rich maniacs

A lot of rich people give money away for nothing, because hey, you're rich, it's expected of you. But you're mentally rich, and you deserve some entertainment, as well as some individuality when it comes to your charities. First off, don't give to the needy, give to the average. Nobody gives the average anything, and I'm fucking sick of it. Nobody walking down the street gets free handouts, it all goes to people far too sickly or unfortunate or burned to use it. I propose you give a hundred dollar bill to every tenth person you pass. You can't do this in a crowded city, mind you. You'll likely get mugged, and it's too hard to keep count. Do it somewhere with some vague street life. Anyways, here's the fun part. Throw a peanut in the face of whomever you plan to give money to. Do this immediately before handing them the bill. So they don't even have enough time to think about it or get mad. Peanut, bill, then prance away singing some sort of foppish reel. No time for explanations, and it will be the best and strangest moment of that person's life. It's even better if they have a peanut allergy. In that case, the fun comes in wrapping the bill around the peanut. Deadly surprise! Never trust a billionaire!

3. Tell people you're a billionaire.

Billionaires are always pathetically modest about their money. Sure they live in giant houses and fly helicopters made out of dragons and breasts, but they never just tell people about their financial situation. They're behind-the-scenes gloaters, and that's just boring. Tell EVERYBODY you meet that you're a billionaire. To substantiate this, keep some stupid amount of money on your person at all times. Dress in average clothing, nothing ritzy or Victorian. Nobody will believe you. They'll all laugh and be a little uncomfortable. If they ask for some money, give them some. The amount is up to you. If they mug you? Congratulations, you've found somebody smart with whom you can be friends! Invite them over for Flan.

4. Ruin pictures at theme parks

Everybody loves theme parks, right? Why would you? You can afford a better one for your bidet. So why not let the world know? Show them how you gain no pleasure or excitement from their pedestrian antics. Could you imagine the average family buying a photo of themselves going down some radical huge wicked hill tubular awesome, just to see some asshole frowning, rolling his eyes, or yawning with great exaggeration? They would feel so stupid!

Nobody would go here if just one person completely didn't give a fuck.

Also, this is a good way to get you some cheap fame among the lowlanders. They paid their 18.99 for that photo, it's going on the mantle, god damn it! You'll be the conversation piece of every townhouse complex in suburbia. Which you own. Because you're rich.


This list is an ever-evolving thing, much like the flu, cafeteria food, or intolerance; so I'm sure there will be future entries following the same theme. Until then though, enjoy work, you barrel of working class bastards.